With the Liverpool Offside community engaged in a fraught civil war brought about by the March Madness polls, allow me to apply the soothing balm of accord as we agree that nobody knows anything when it comes to the summer transfer window. Huzzah!
The British philosopher Bertrand Russell was never more correct than when he claimed that "there is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge." Sadly, there will be no real knowledge to speak of on offer here today, but I can attest to the uselessness of the wild theories and plausible suggestions that will make up this latest trawl through the potential transfer machinations of Liverpool Football Club in the summer.
Let's start with the most crazypants rumour of all; the one that will not go away. As Xabi Alonso has not yet agreed terms with Real Madrid, The Mirror seems to think it's perfectly believable that the classy Spaniard will move back to Anfield. This reasoning has a specious veneer of plausibility, what with the player's previous connections, the possession football Brendan Rodgers favours and the high profile of the EPL. They speculate about an 8.5 million pound transfer fee for the 31 year old.
There are few more avid promoters of The Cult of Xabi than this scribbler, but such a move seems highly unlikely for numerous reasons and if we are to be coldly cynical, the club are clearly more in need of a Javier Mascherano-type player than the more cultured operator he used to partner in the Liverpool midfield.
Only marginally less bonkers is the story linking Edinson Cavani with Liverpool. This has some vague basis in reality with the Uruguayan's agent Claudio Annelucci stating the 25 year old "wants to play in England" and that "Liverpool and Arsenal are the first clubs Cavani has agreed to talk to." Leaving aside any fanciful notions about linking up with his mate Luis at Anfield, the striker, who has 57 goals in 81 appearances, is one of the world's most sought-after talents and would likely command the kind of fee that would be beyond Liverpool.
'Random Defender to Liverpool' stories are thin on the ground this week. Only Sky Sports have any links to the liverpool rearguard. They suggest Marseille full back Nicolas N'koulou would be prepared to move to the EPL if his current club wished to cash in on him. The 23 year old Cameroon international would no doubt provide a decent squad option but this is not one to excite the inner fanboy/girl in us all.
Sadly, the previous stories linking Liverpool with Feyenoord's Stefan de Vrij and Vasco da Gama's Dede seem to have gone away for now. Failure to capture them, at least, offered the possibility of genuine disappointment, unlike the vague irritation most felt at losing out to Southampton for Vegard Forren.
Staying with The Saints, The Daily Star would have us believe that Brendan Rodgers is considering a move for Jay Rodriguez. The 23 year old scored a fine goal against Liverpool recently and moved from his home town club, Burnley, last summer. The paper suggests it would require an increase on the seven million pound fee that brought him to Southampton, if the Reds want to land the youngster.
Talksport has picked up on some complimentary comments made by Brendan Rodgers about Andreas Weimann after the Aston Villa game and turned them into an obvious sign that the Liverpool manager wants to sign the young Austrian, while Metro continue to link the Anfield club with Wilifried Bony, the Ivory Coast international, who has 42 goals in 60 matches for Vitesse Arnhem.
Final story for this edition comes again from The Daily Star who report that Liverpool and Tottenham are both tracking the fabulously monikered 17 year old Nigerian, Moses Daddy-Ajala. Frankly, this is one transfer battle with the Londoners that the club must win because were he to make it at Anfield, nothing would prevent me from buying that shirt. Nothing.
With all Liverpool's loanees close to return, the time is coming for the manager to take stock of what he has at his disposal. Does The Big Lug have a future at the club? Will Wee Jay once more bestride the midfield like a (ahem) colossus? Will Dani Pacheco be loaned out to all 92 League clubs?
Let us hope, that as he assesses his options with his recently established transfer committee, for a second window, Brendan Rodgers will be a little more realistic and inventive than the assorted dolts whose preposterous cogitations have amused us for the last few moments.
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